The jellyfish

Next time you think you have had a bad day at work, think about this

guy…Tom is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of

Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.  Below

is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the

contest (he wasn’t thrilled with her for that one). Anyway…anytime you

think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.

April 1998

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother.  Last week I had a bad

day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I

thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so

bad after all.  Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore

you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the

bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit.  This time

of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:  We

have a diesel powered industrial water heater.  This $20,000 piece of shit

sucks the water out of the sea.  It heats it to a delightful temp. It then

pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air

hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve used it several times

with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working,

is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my

whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.  Everything was

going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I

scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass

started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was

done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had

sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than

the poison ivy you once had under a cast.  Now I had that hose down my back.

I don’t have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn’t get stuck to my

back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was

an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the

dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.  His instructions were

unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing

hysterically.  Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make

3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could

come to the surface for my dry chamber decompression. I got to the surface

wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell.

When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face,

handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it “up my ass” when I get in

the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days

because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could

easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward

side of the ship.  Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office,

think of me.  Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to

shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office.

But if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable.

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